Momming as a Millennial: We don't lose ourselves all at once

By Christine Giarrizzo

Most of us don't wake up one day completely disconnected from ourselves. We lose ourselves one tiny compromise at a time.

We become the reliable one. The accommodating one. The selfless one. We pour into everyone around us, putting our own needs last.

Responsibilities pile up. Mental load takes over. The version of yourself you once knew starts fading into the background. Until one day you can't remember what you actually enjoy.

That's what happened to me.

Time was zipping by and I felt like I had nothing to show for it. I had a beautiful family, a home, people I loved and a life I had worked hard to build, but I still felt a void I couldn't figure out how to fill.

And that was the part that really messed with me.

Because how could I feel unfulfilled when I had so much to be grateful for?

I think a lot of women get stuck here.

We become so good at recognizing everything we should appreciate that we stop giving ourselves permission to acknowledge what might still be missing.

I wasn't unhappy with my life. I just wasn't entirely sure I was still in it. It took me a while to recognize the difference.

For me, motherhood didn't create this feeling as much as it magnified it. It made the patterns that had been there all along much harder to ignore. I had spent years being responsible, productive, helpful and accommodating. I was good at anticipating what other people needed. I was good at getting things done.

I was considerably less practiced at asking myself what I needed.

And somewhere along the way, I had confused being needed with being fulfilled.

I knew I had to make a change. I had to do something! So, I started paying attention.

Not in a dramatic, quit-my-job-and-move-to-Italy kind of way, although I would like to formally state that Italy remains an option.

I started with questions.

What actually makes me feel like myself?

When do I feel energized instead of depleted?

What am I doing because I genuinely want to?

What am I doing because I've always done it?

What have I been putting off until some magical future when life becomes less busy?

And perhaps the most uncomfortable question:

What do I want now?

Because what I want has changed considerably since I was 25. I had to fight all the urges to hold myself to a standard of what I thought my life would look like. What I should want at this stage in my life, with my family, in my career.

I had to look inward and answer from a place that was truly my own.

If you find yourself nodding along, here are a few things I did that may help you start finding a way back to yourself.

Start paying attention to the clues

If you're feeling disconnected from yourself, you don't need to figure out your entire life. You just have to start with the baby steps.

Start noticing things.

Think about the last time you felt completely absorbed in something. Maybe you were writing, creating, exercising, reading, cooking, traveling, talking to a friend, or working on a project.

What were you doing?

Who were you with?

What did that version of you feel like?

Pay attention to the things that make you a little jealous, too. I know – not exactly the most enlightened advice.

But jealousy can also be information.

When you see someone else's life and think, “Must be nice,” ask yourself what part of their life you're actually reacting to? What do you see that you want for yourself?

Is it their freedom?

Their creativity?

Their confidence?

Their career?

The fact that they seem to have five uninterrupted minutes to drink a cup of coffee?

You don't necessarily want their life. You might just be noticing something you want more of in your own.

Make room for yourself before you ‘have time’

This one has been particularly hard for me.

I used to think I'd make time for myself when everything else was handled.

You can probably see where this is going.

Nothing is ever fully handled! The notion is absurd to me, really.

There will always be laundry. Someone will always need something. There will always be an email, an appointment, a permission slip, a grocery list or some household crisis that somehow requires an immediate meeting of the executive committee (yes, that’s you).

If you wait until you have time, you may be waiting forever. Trust me, I can go on and on about the mental load of motherhood.

So, instead of asking, “How can I find more time for myself?” try asking:

What can I stop doing, delegate, shorten or say no to?

And then protect whatever space you create. Block it out in your calendar. It doesn't have to be an entire Saturday.

Maybe it's 20 minutes to write.

An hour to take a class.

A walk without your phone.

A conversation with a friend.

Ten minutes before bed to journal instead of scrolling.

It can feel almost laughably small. Do it anyway and see how it feels.

The goal isn't to suddenly become a woman who meditates at sunrise, drinks green juice and has her entire life color-coded. I don’t think I’d want that even if I had the time.

The goal is to send yourself a message: I matter here, too.

You don't have to reinvent yourself

I spent the last several years finding my way back to myself, and what I've learned is that it doesn't happen through one giant revelation.

It's a series of small decisions.

I noticed something. Then I questioned it. I made a different choice this time. It felt hard at first. But then I discovered something I enjoy.

I made room for it. I started to feel that hole within me fill a bit.

I realized I’d been living by someone else's definition of success. So, I decided it was time to write my own. Little by little, I began to recognize myself again.

And maybe that’s what an aligned life actually looks like. Not a perfectly optimized existence where every decision is exactly right, but a life that increasingly reflects who you are, what you value and what you want.

That's why I created The Future Self Reset.

I wanted to take the questions and practices that helped me most and put them somewhere other women could actually work through them, on their own time and in their own way.

You don’t need to figure out your entire future today or tomorrow. You just need enough space to hear yourself again – to get curious about what you actually want and decide what to do with what you find.

You’re allowed to want things. You’re allowed to change your mind. And you’re allowed to decide that the life you once wanted isn’t the life you want anymore.

You don’t have to blow up your whole life. Start small. Notice what makes you feel like you and make a little more room for it.

That might be all it takes to start finding yourself again.

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Christine Giarrizzo is a blogger, podcaster and mama of two, navigating the realities of modern motherhood in real time. Through her writing, she explores the tension between who we were, who we’re expected to be, and who we actually want to become.

Her work focuses on helping millennial moms move out of survival mode and into a life rooted in clarity, creativity and self-expression. Through honest storytelling and research-backed insights, Christine creates space for women to question outdated norms, trust themselves, and build lives that feel aligned and fulfilling – while offering practical tools for moms who feel overwhelmed and ready to reconnect with themselves.

You can find more from Christine at ContemplativeMama.com and on Instagram @ContemplativeMama1.